Decisions Cost
Sooooo based on the video in the last blog post, I’m back y’all! That’s right! In a Lebron kinda way, I’ve brought my talents back to South Texas. And I eagerly await connecting with so many long time family, friends and community leaders.
Although I’ve made the decision to come back home (which is the right decision), it does not mean it was an easy decision. The decision was far from easy and I certainly spent several months grieving over the decision I prayed about. It took me a while to reach the point of acceptance and to see that it was a good one. I honestly fought the decision because I had such an enjoyable and loving experience in Bakersfield, CA. For years, I learned to embrace growing up and adulting away from the crutches of family support. Moving to Cali 3 weeks post graduation from engineering school felt like the perfect destination location. But soon I realized what “being on my own” really felt like. I had to learn to adapt to my ever changing environments by learning Californian history, learning local government structuring, learning how to navigate through new networks, etc. Out of all my travels, being in Bakersfield became home to me. The community really embraced me as did I. But God has called me back home for a reason.
The Decision Cycle
When you partner to do LIFE (Living In Faith Everyday) with God, it will come with some ambiguity. For me personally, it caused my heart to deal with grief and my character.
Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief (Source: Oxford Medical)
The chart above has been used by many to describe the human reaction to imposed change, with hopes of reaching a genuine state of acceptance. Although I am a believer in Jesus, I know I have felt EVERY stage of this curve.
Through faith I knew there was an internal agreement I was asked to make with God, but my human reaction was to deny it and explain to God how great my life was becoming in Bako. So here’s a step-by-step breakdown of how I emotionally journeyed through the 5 stages of grief.
Toni Collier speaks dynamically on how hope and hurt can co-exist. I don’t have to see my experiences with God as hope only. In this season of life, I have learned to lean on God in my hurts. My personal stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression hurt. They really hurt! I would read my Bible in hurt. I would pray in hurt. I would listen to sermons with an achy heart.
But let me tell you a secret that the chart doesn’t show….
I received pockets of HIGH JOY. The chart focuses on the reality of my low moments, but I have also experienced remarkably joy-filled moments in between each of those stages. And it is that joy that fuels and propels me into acceptance. The chart is designed to make individuals more aware of their low emotional responses to imposed changes, but faith is designed to make individuals more aware of their spiritual responses to imposed changes. My move back to Houston has made me go through some really tough imposed changes, but it also made me more aware of my natural human responses and spiritual responses. Now that I have made it to the point of ACCEPTANCE, here is what I have learned along the grieving journey.
Framily (Family + Friends) in Bako loves me and I love them back.
Maintaining Bako relationships is rooted in a healthy development stage of my life.
Time will not rewind. I MUST enjoy the family moments I can’t get back if they pass.
I need family & family needs me!
Why do I Share this?
As I am deconstructing my faith and becoming more keen to my own self-awareness, I am learning to see the human experience of faith and not just the super-human experience of faith. I also wrote this as an honest answer to “How’s my Move Back Going?”
I’m typically not this transparent with my internal thoughts and faith, but with many undertaking several hits to their faith this year (2021) I feel that it is important to document this journey and allow someone else to see me journey through my faith. Many are accustomed to seeing me strong and sure, but many do not see me weakened and wavering. Here is my weak and wavering moment. I am still a warrior. Just a warrior allowing their internal wounds to be strengthened so that it lasts longer than external strength.
I leave you with this scripture from the book of Psalms….
His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.
